Monday, November 15

It's Not Time To Celebrate

New rule: Footballers when scoring goals should not be allowed to 'dance celebrate' unless they are a) a first team member; b) already up by two clear goals; and c) not already sporting brightly coloured boots. Footballers must adhere to a), b) and c). If either one is jeopardised, the footballer in question shall be dropped for the foreseeable future, regardless of the significance of their goal.

I fucking hate 'dance celebrations'. I mean, I fucking hate dancing - plus any form of jubilation showing for that matter - but there is little that makes me madder than seeing a footballer 'dance celebrate' a goal, a goal that really matters. An example of this was evident yesterday during Sunderland's highly impressive performance at Chelsea's Stamford Bridge. Asamoah Gyan had just strengthened Sunderland's lead to 2-0 - this is the same Sunderland who only 15 days ago were trounced 5-1 by Newcastle in a local derby.

Thus, Sunderland were not meant to be winning 2-0 against the champions. The fact that they were was just unthinkable, and so effing mindblowing that there most certainly should NOT have been any form of calculated celebratory affair post-Gyan's goal. But Gyan, who may positively respond to a) of my rule up the top but definitely not b) OR c), actually ran over to the corner flag and started some form of arms-motioning, leg-wiggling, slightly chicken dance happy dance. Er, like, who the fuck does he think he is and what the fuck was he doing?

Such an important and inconceivable goal should only be celebrated by running like a madman at the utter inconceivability of it all! How could he be so calculated? This only goes to further show how far removed these millionaire footballers are from their very own fans. It is disrespectful to the club's own ambitions to even compute such a dance celebration in the vital time that it occurred in. If I was Steve Bruce, Gyan would be dropped for the next three games. Because you can bet your ass the fans weren't performing any kind of robotic, celebratory movement after seeing their mid-table team run Chelsea riot.

My own team's own captain Nemanja Vidic knows how to celebrate the magnitude of this type of goal. On Saturday, he very much screamed like a screwball and ran into the United fans with utter stupefaction, no calculation, after equalising a 2-0 loss away to Villa in the 86th minute. So there is some hope.

But world football morons, unless you stick to the three directives I stated at the start, you'll never ever gain my or, I'd like to think, most fans' respect. But perhaps you just don't give a damn, hence the dance celebrations in the first place.