Saturday, February 6


I hate Ed Woodward. Ok, maybe he’s a good bloke, maybe he donates half his wages to the NSPCC or something. But - as the CEO of Manchester United - I fucking hate him.

In fact, I’ve hated him for a while. I wrote a post about all the things he’d done wrong when he was a year into the job.

But if we appoint Jose Mourinho as the next manager of Manchester United, I will hate him even more.

As much as the man in charge of the football - Louis van Gaal - doesn’t understand what United is, the man in charge of the club knows even little.

He might be a good marketer, signing soul-selling commercial deals day after day with kangaroo food brands in Korea. (Although, how hard can it be to slut the world’s biggest club out to every fucking hitchhiker with an audience?)

But as the man who sacked Moyes to the media before the poor bloke knew himself, who prostitutes United’s good name to every world-class player that’s just had a row with their manager, who briefs journalists at every nook and cranny to prove he’s on top of things, who was too scared to sack van Gaal when he really should have… he’s a disgrace to the role and should resign in apology.

But now there’s this. Jose Mourinho.

Of course Mourinho’s a great manager. You’d be stupid to deny that. But just because Weetos is a great cereal, doesn’t mean it should be served in porcelain.

Mourinho is not a United manager. He makes everything about him, he’s got no fucking class and he doesn’t promote youth.

Putting him in charge would drive United further away from the classic, traditional mould established by Busby and Ferguson, and bang into the cheap materialism set forth by the oil money clubs like City and Chelsea.

Simply hiring him to compete for trophies because the noisy neighbours just appointed their latest frontman is insane. It shows a lack of respect for United’s history and an utter bearhug to mercenary heaven.

After Ferguson left, United should have stuck his laws on the fucking wall and made sure they stayed there forever. ’Never say die’, ‘Free-flowing attack-minded football’, ‘Promote youth’, ‘Influence refs’, ‘Don’t tell the media everything’, ‘Keep the egos in check’, etc.

But United have already changed way too much under van Gaal, and instead of behaving more like a club who knows itself and wants to return to a civilised identity, we’re now going backwards because of Woodward’s - and it is Woodward - money-grubbing recklessness.

Please, Mr Glazers. Sack this cunt and give me my club back. :-(

Saturday, December 19

Stick A Fork In Me: I'm Done

Friday, December 11

Of Course You Have To Meet These Expectations, You Dumb Fuck. That's The Fucking Point!

“A club as Manchester United has to win - that’s the past. That’s the past. You have to analyse the club now and you cannot compare it with ten years ago.

“There is an evolution in football. In European football. That kind of stuff.

“I have to meet expectations from five, ten years ago.”

Christ fucking alive. He really doesn't get it, does he?

Wednesday, December 9

Who The Fuck Was I Kidding?

I thought I was ready. I wrote, on September 14, 2014, that "it's time for a new Manchester United and a new identity".

I was even prepared for a United that may or may not "blood homegrown youth as much, play fast and attacking football, or score late winners with a never-say-die attitude".

... But who the fuck was I kidding?

When God retired in May 2013, we should have ensured these traditions were kept. Laid in stone. Put on the fucking wall in Ed Woodward's office.

But, somehow, we fucked up. I don't know if it was a consequence of the baffling Moyes era, Ferguson and Gill departing at once, so many seniors leaving in one summer.

Somehow, when employing Louis van Gaal to take charge of United in May 2014, we forgot to ask: 'Hey, do you mind playing the United way a bit?'

We looked at his record, thought: 'Yeah, he's managed some big clubs. He seems alright'. I was excited. I loved the way he fucked off that journalist before he was even given the job.

"What do you know about Manchester United?" asked some BBC moron.

"That is a stupid question, I think," replied Louis, nodding his fierce eyes at the journo. "The biggest club of the world. 'What do you know about Manchester United?' Sorry."

That bite reminded me of Ferguson. I loved the sense of authority, the arrogance.

But here we are, December 2015, in the fucking Europa League. With only ourselves to blame.

This is not a nice feeling. In context, in the post-SAF transition, it doesn't look that bad.

Post-SAF 1: 7th and losing to Bayern in the UCL quarter-finals. Sack Moyes, mainly cos he's clearly not up to it.

Post-SAF 2: 4th and back in the UCL. Just.

Post-SAF 3: Nearly halfway through the season, competing for the title... lose in the UCL group stage. It's not pretty, but it's true it could be worse.

It was always going to take a few years to get over SAF's departure. If I'm being honest, I don't mind that - anything to show him as God to the world.

But, as I said before, we have changed too much.

To get back to where we were, we need to instil his traditions again. The ones that made us United. I want more last-minute winners, more attacking football, more homegrown youth - but at the right times, not Nick Powell coming on for Juan Mata in the 69th minute of the biggest game since SAF left.

It was an easy-enough group. We should have beaten PSV at home, that's where we lost it. It's ironic that our defence, one factor which Van Gaal has greatly improved, fucked us over by conceding so quickly after we scored.

And this is Van Gaal's biggest failure yet. If he doesn't get the Top 3, I wouldn't be that surprised if he goes.

But... I don't want him gone. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be that club that sacks their managers every season, season-and-a-half, and he has done some good.

But I do wish he wouldn't just sit there, chalking on his fucking clipboard for 90 minutes, while his team are wishing away the biggest game of his United career.

And I do wish that when we played PSV at home two weeks ago, we would have gone out in that second half, motivated to qualify, having been bollocked in the changing room.

I just... I want to see United again. "Time for a new identity"? Really, who the fuck was I kidding?

Wednesday, December 2

Albums Of 2015 - No. 15 to No. 1

1. Jamie xx 'In Colour'

2. Tame Impala 'Currents'

3. Beach House 'Thank You Lucky Stars'

4. The Maccabees 'Marks To Prove It'

5. Coldplay 'A Head Full Of Dreams'

6. Florence + the Machine 'How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful'

7. Everything Everything 'Get To Heaven'

8. Grimes 'Art Angels'

9. Bring Me the Horizon 'That's The Spirit'

10. Adele '25'

11. Foals 'What Went Down'

12. Spector 'Moth Boys'

13. The Libertines 'Anthems for Doomed Youth'

14. Wavves 'V'

15. Passion Pit 'Kindred'