Tuesday, November 18

Chris Smalling, Please Fuck Off You Don’t Deserve To Play For Manchester United

Football is probably the most fickle thing in the world.

On my Please Fuck Off You Don’t Deserve To Play For Manchester United list, published the night we lost to MK Dons, Chris Smalling was not on it.

But Fellaini was. And he's a player who I am now behind, having finally seen him start to perform for United. Is he United-level now? No, course not. But at least it's obvious how hard he's trying.

Smalling, however, I hope never ever plays for United again. Ever. Ever fucking ever fucking ever.

He is an absolute fucking tit of the highest standard.

He is a man who dressed up as a terrorist to some party cos he thought it looked good.

And he's a man who fuckwittingly put in two bad challenges against a City team on a downward spiral, the second coming after he picked up a yellow card just 10 minutes before for an as-ridiculous block on Joe Hart.

Like, he's an absolute fucking moron and the dumbest fuckwit I've ever seen play for United.

Oh, and then - after we beat Crystal Palace in a game he had fuck-all to do with - he goes out partying with the United lads in town.

Chris Smalling - I know you don't read tiny blogs from passionate United fans - but if you happen to come across this, FUCK OFF OUT OF MY CLUB AND NEVER COME BACK.

GRRRRRR.

Sunday, September 14

Manchester United Has Lost Its Identity; Now Let's Forge A New One

The first thing I did the morning we signed Falcao was, like every morning, check my Twitter timeline. I scrolled up from sudden reports we were being linked to him, to confirmation we agreed a fee.

I was excited, of course. Didn't expect it... But, if I'm being honest, I also had this strange feeling underneath my delight. 'This doesn't feel like United, we're signing all these world-class players.'

It was a new feeling; one I'd never experienced in my 23 years as a fan. I was so delighted so many of my most-hated list were off elsewhere, especially Cleverley and Welbeck.

But I didn't expect both Di Maria and Falcao to join. I don't ever remember us buying so much talent in one window.

I like it. It's how we should be reacting to finishing 7th, no question.

But at the same time, suddenly we're joining the same dining table as City and Chelsea, and spending our arses off to compete. We're still unique in that we weren't pushed to create history through oil money, but we are attracting mercenary stars to go the distance.

We also have a foreign manager now, for the first time in history. I really like LVG; it'll just take time to get used to someone not British in charge.

But all of this mess had to happen.

We had to finish 7th, as one last tribute to the Greatest Manager Ever. We had to sack the man he hired. We had to rid the deadwood. And we had to dig deep into our pockets in order to get back on track.

It's time for a new Manchester United and a new identity.

I'm excited.

I don't know if this one will blood homegrown youth as much, play fast and attacking football, or score late winners with a never-say-die attitude.

But I do know Ferguson will still be in the stands, Charlton next to him, and Giggs will be on the touchline.

And I do know that it wants to win trophies. That's something I've only ever known my United to do.

Now let's bring the fucking sun. :-)

Tuesday, September 2

Update Update: The Please Fuck Off You Don’t Deserve To Play For Manchester United List

Cleverley: GONE. This isn't personal. I don't know the guy, obviously. He's probably a very nice person and good human being. This is footballing only, and he's not good enough for United. It's sad, like Welbeck, in that Academy kids haven't quite excelled on their promise and have to move on. But if they were good enough, they would get in the team. There will be another Beckham/Giggs/Scholes/Neville one day, of course, but that whole shebang was a freak and it'll never happen again. Maybe it'll be James Wilson, maybe it'll be someone else in 10 years' time.

Update: The Please Fuck Off You Don’t Deserve To Play For Manchester United List

So, what happened to my Please Fuck Off You Don’t Deserve To Play For Manchester United List?

Cleverley: STILL HERE. The one I'm most upset about. Good luck in the reserves, Tom. :-(

Hernandez: GONE to Real Madrid, from one bench to another. :-D

Welbeck: GONE to Arsenal, and you couldn't make it up! :-D

Young: STILL HERE. How the fuck he managed to trick LVG, I don't know. :-(

Kagawa: GONE back to Dortmund. Shame it didn't work out. :-D

Anderson: STILL HERE. Yeah, cos we were gonna get rid of this one, weren't we? :-(

Fellaini: STILL HERE. Yeah, cos we were gonna get rid of this one, weren't we? :-(

3 out of 7 ain't bad, huh?

Tuesday, August 26

The Please Fuck Off You Don’t Deserve To Play For Manchester United List


1996. Sunday night in late October. I was 10.

It was some girl’s Bat Mitzvah. Some family friend or something. Can’t remember who.

I was with my parents, and their friend Howard - the dad of a friend of mine - told me Manchester United had lost 5-0 to Newcastle just before.

I laughed a lot. Didn’t believe him. Thought he was simply kidding. The whole night, I thought it was a joke. I didn’t even think about it after he told me. Cos it was such a ridiculous thing to say.

Then, went home. Discovered he wasn’t joking. Cried, shock, how the?!

That kind of gasp at seeing United lose by such a ridiculous result was, luckily, a rare occurrence over the last 20 years. It happened, but only once every few years.

We’ve just lost 4-0 to Milton Keynes Dons. After finishing 7th. Despite having a new manager. Despite us being Manchester United and they being Milton fucking Keynes.

I trust LVG. It’s just not his fault. Yes, we shouldn’t be playing three at the fucking back. But it’s his third game. He is still figuring out the lay of the land.

Here is a list of players who I want to leave, in order of who I hate the most. I call it the Please Fuck Off You Don’t Deserve To Play For Manchester United list:

Cleverley
Hernandez
Welbeck
Young
Kagawa
Anderson
Fellaini

I hope and pray that at least one of these overpaid, undeserving twats leaves before next Monday. Otherwise, the memory of that Sunday night in October 1996 really will start to fade. :-(