In rough chronological order:
1. Summer 2013 Chasing Fabregas, Bale and Ronaldo like a fucking schoolgirl. Neither came.
2. Briefing journalists Not only chasing these players, but - rather embarrassingly - chasing them publicly via constant briefs to the media. He's calmed this since, but not by much.
3. The Moyes Sacking 'David, you're no longer needed here.' 'Yeah, I know. I read it in the papers yesterday.' Disgraceful.
4. The Rio Sacking Telling one of United's greatest ever centre-backs he wasn't getting a new contract IN THE ACTUAL DRESSING ROOM.
5. Selling our soul Do we really need to sponsor a fucking tractor in Japan? Argh. Stop. It's enough.
6. Summer 2015 Chasing Ramos and Neymar - oh, and Bale again - like a fucking schoolgirl. Neither came.
7. Saved by the Fax Machine Acting Phil Mitchell all summer, telling Madrid they couldn't have De Gea unless we got whoever else in return, only to transform into Ian Beale at the last minute. De Gea was going, but for Madrid's late fax.
8. Christmas 2015 The worst December in United's history. Not a single win. Every fucker knows Van Gaal simply does not get United and must go - but Woodward was clearly too scared for his own rep as the sacking CEO.
9. The Head of Academy Farce After a belated, supposed year-long search to find the new head of United's youth academy, Nicky Butt gets appointed. The same Nicky Butt who was there all along.
10. Jose, Jose, Jose If you're going to appoint Jose Mourinho, fine. But the level of speculation has been endemic - a Mourinho trait - so why not tell him to calm the fuck down out of respect for Van Gaal and his players?
11. The Special Cunt But if you're going to appoint Jose Mourinho, then you really don't get Manchester United.
Saturday, May 21
Sunday, May 15
How do you steal the thunder of Manchester United's worst moment in its history?
By staging an elaborate security blunder which causes the game to be abandoned at the risk of becoming the laughing stock of the world.
Ok, not finishing in the Top 4 isn't the worst moment in United's history. But since 1992/93? It's right fucking up there.
Thanks to Swansea City being utterly cunty pansies, we are officially going backwards. A post-Ferguson transition, this is no more. This is going from 7th to 4th to... 5th or fucking 6th.
This means it'll take even longer to get back to where we should be. We're at square one all over again.
So, Ed Woodward and Louis van Gaal both have to be fired. They are equally responsible for this mess and no longer deserve to be in charge.
Woodward should have fucking sacked VG after Norwich in December, as I stated after Norwich in December. Not to mention everything else the scared, bumbling moron is fucking up.
Van Gaal? Christ. I honestly like the guy, BUT HE DOESN'T GET UNITED. OR THE PREMIER LEAGUE. 46 goals?!?!?! The fact we are in this mess all cos of goal difference says everything that needs to be said about him.
Seriously. News all over the world is going on about United's 'red face' after such a stupid security mishap - but there's only one thing to be embarrassed about: the transition is over. :-(
Tuesday, May 10
Sunday, March 20
Fuck me. That was amazing. That, no question, was our biggest win since Ferguson retired. For many fucking reasons.
Lose/draw, and we'd be struggling to make the Champions League. Which would send us backwards as a club when we're meant to be in the title-challenging stage of transition.
But we won, and we're gonna make that top four. Ok, we'll be standing still rather than competing for the league, but at least we won't be regressing.
I was there when Marcus Rashford saved our season. Yet again. And it was amazing.
Don't get me wrong. Ed Woodward needs to get fucked and so does VG, but thank fuck there's Rashford around to save us. :-D
Monday, February 29
Last Thursday, around 9.30pm, Manchester United were half an hour away from their worst moment in the last 30 years of the club’s history.
A team from Denmark nobody had heard of until the Europa League draw was made last December, were on their way to knock United out. The official lowest point in the post-Ferguson transition.
I was sat in my seat, in the Ferguson Stand, fearing the absolute worst. No way. This can’t happen. I won’t let this happen. It just can’t.
An 18-year-old boy from Wythenshawe stepped up. A United fan. Right in front of the Stretford End. Twice.
He saved it. He saved LVG. He saved United. He saved us from the worst possible moment for three decades.
Thank you, Marcus. Thank you for giving us hope, for denting Arsenal’s titles hopes, for reminding us that no matter who’s in charge, there is no better sight than watching a homegrown United graduate rise to stardom. :-)