Saturday, December 19

Stick A Fork In Me: I'm Done

Friday, December 11

Of Course You Have To Meet These Expectations, You Dumb Fuck. That's The Fucking Point!

“A club as Manchester United has to win - that’s the past. That’s the past. You have to analyse the club now and you cannot compare it with ten years ago.

“There is an evolution in football. In European football. That kind of stuff.

“I have to meet expectations from five, ten years ago.”

Christ fucking alive. He really doesn't get it, does he?

Wednesday, December 9

Who The Fuck Was I Kidding?

I thought I was ready. I wrote, on September 14, 2014, that "it's time for a new Manchester United and a new identity".

I was even prepared for a United that may or may not "blood homegrown youth as much, play fast and attacking football, or score late winners with a never-say-die attitude".

... But who the fuck was I kidding?

When God retired in May 2013, we should have ensured these traditions were kept. Laid in stone. Put on the fucking wall in Ed Woodward's office.

But, somehow, we fucked up. I don't know if it was a consequence of the baffling Moyes era, Ferguson and Gill departing at once, so many seniors leaving in one summer.

Somehow, when employing Louis van Gaal to take charge of United in May 2014, we forgot to ask: 'Hey, do you mind playing the United way a bit?'

We looked at his record, thought: 'Yeah, he's managed some big clubs. He seems alright'. I was excited. I loved the way he fucked off that journalist before he was even given the job.

"What do you know about Manchester United?" asked some BBC moron.

"That is a stupid question, I think," replied Louis, nodding his fierce eyes at the journo. "The biggest club of the world. 'What do you know about Manchester United?' Sorry."

That bite reminded me of Ferguson. I loved the sense of authority, the arrogance.

But here we are, December 2015, in the fucking Europa League. With only ourselves to blame.

This is not a nice feeling. In context, in the post-SAF transition, it doesn't look that bad.

Post-SAF 1: 7th and losing to Bayern in the UCL quarter-finals. Sack Moyes, mainly cos he's clearly not up to it.

Post-SAF 2: 4th and back in the UCL. Just.

Post-SAF 3: Nearly halfway through the season, competing for the title... lose in the UCL group stage. It's not pretty, but it's true it could be worse.

It was always going to take a few years to get over SAF's departure. If I'm being honest, I don't mind that - anything to show him as God to the world.

But, as I said before, we have changed too much.

To get back to where we were, we need to instil his traditions again. The ones that made us United. I want more last-minute winners, more attacking football, more homegrown youth - but at the right times, not Nick Powell coming on for Juan Mata in the 69th minute of the biggest game since SAF left.

It was an easy-enough group. We should have beaten PSV at home, that's where we lost it. It's ironic that our defence, one factor which Van Gaal has greatly improved, fucked us over by conceding so quickly after we scored.

And this is Van Gaal's biggest failure yet. If he doesn't get the Top 3, I wouldn't be that surprised if he goes.

But... I don't want him gone. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be that club that sacks their managers every season, season-and-a-half, and he has done some good.

But I do wish he wouldn't just sit there, chalking on his fucking clipboard for 90 minutes, while his team are wishing away the biggest game of his United career.

And I do wish that when we played PSV at home two weeks ago, we would have gone out in that second half, motivated to qualify, having been bollocked in the changing room.

I just... I want to see United again. "Time for a new identity"? Really, who the fuck was I kidding?

Wednesday, December 2

Albums Of 2015 - No. 15 to No. 1

1. Jamie xx 'In Colour'

2. Tame Impala 'Currents'

3. Beach House 'Thank You Lucky Stars'

4. The Maccabees 'Marks To Prove It'

5. Coldplay 'A Head Full Of Dreams'

6. Florence + the Machine 'How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful'

7. Everything Everything 'Get To Heaven'

8. Grimes 'Art Angels'

9. Bring Me the Horizon 'That's The Spirit'

10. Adele '25'

11. Foals 'What Went Down'

12. Spector 'Moth Boys'

13. The Libertines 'Anthems for Doomed Youth'

14. Wavves 'V'

15. Passion Pit 'Kindred'

Albums Of 2015 - No. 30 to No. 16

16. Blur 'The Magic Whip'

17. Mumford & Sons 'Wilder Mind'

18. Hot Chip 'Why Make Sense?'

19. Fall Out Boy 'American Beauty/American Psycho'

20. Death Cab for Cutie 'Kintsugi'

21. Slaves 'Are You Satisfied?'

22. EL VY 'Return To The Moon'

23. Muse 'Drones'

24. The Vaccines 'English Graffiti'

25. Modest Mouse 'Strangers To Ourselves'

26. Wolf Alice 'My Love Is Cool'

27. Years & Years 'Communion'

28. Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds 'Chasing Yesterday'

29. The Chemical Brothers 'Born In The Echoes'

30. Leon Bridges 'Coming Home'

Saturday, September 12

These Are The Best Two Days In My United-Supporting Life (Or At Least Post-SAF, Anyway)

Day 1: David de Gea signs a new contract, showing that he's happy, focussed and ready to go this season. He'll probably still go to Evil Madrid eventually - but at least now we'll get some value for him and keep the best goalkeeper in the world for a bit longer... And maybe, just maybe, his contract is a message to Evil Madrid that he now hates their evil ass for intentionally sabotaging his deadline-day transfer, and he'll stay at Utd forever and ever and ever.

Day 2: Beat our biggest rivals 3-1 in the biggest game of LVG's Utd career, after his strict tactics cost us against Newcastle and Cunts Swansea. The first half was reflective of the season so far, but then we showed great will - Utd will - in the second half, mostly thanks to Ashley Young. Him, DdG, Darmian, Smalling, Blind, Shaw, Schweinsteiger and Herrera were all superb... Oh, and Anthony Martial? That goal is better than any Thierry Henry ever scored. :-)

So, after the two worst days post-Ferguson, we get the two best... Woodward can still fuck off, though.

Monday, August 31

These Are The Worst Two Days In My United-Supporting Life

Day 1: Lose to Swansea City away in the exact same fucking manner we did last season, showing absolutely no signs of improvement whatsoever. We are supposed to be moving forwards - it’s the third post-SAF season now - not standing still or going backwards. LVG is asking way too fucking much in this stupid, rigid playing style. Just let them be free. LET THEM BE FREE.

Day 2: Be prepared to sell David de Gea to Real Madrid after acting Phil Mitchell all summer, only to play Ian Beale at the very last minute. I don’t blame de Gea - I understand why he wants to leave for those evil cunts in Madrid. And I love him - he's been my favourite player since 2011 and I'm so sad I once had him on the back of my outfield shirt - but he should have signed a contract the moment he was dithering, because we made him the player he’s become. It’s disrespectful. But LVG and his awful man management by dropping him and not at least trying to get his head right? But mostly the worst of all with Ed out-of-his-depth Woodward’s posturing turning out to be nothing but weakness? Fuck me. Shameful.

I want my United back. I want free-flowing, attacking football and I want classy decision-making off the field. Woodward can definitely fuck off. LVG? I'm really starting to feel the same.

Sunday, July 12

Thank You, Robin

To the striker I always wanted my team to have, the man that scored that hat-trick past Southampton, those winners against City and Chelsea, that third strike against Villa, Title 20 and - best of all - the player who made his former team of losers give him a guard of honour...

Thank you.

Saturday, May 16

And In The Second Post-Ferguson Season

Top 4 secured. What a respectful tribute. And that sun? Don't worry, it's coming. :-)