Saturday, June 10

Updated: Things Ed Woodward Is Doing To Harm Manchester United

In rough chronological order:

1. Summer 2013 Chasing Fabregas, Bale and Ronaldo like a fucking schoolgirl. Neither came.

2. Briefing journalists Not only chasing these players, but - rather embarrassingly - chasing them publicly via constant briefs to the media. He's calmed this since, but not by much.

3. The Moyes Sacking 'David, you're no longer needed here.' 'Yeah, I know. I read it in the papers yesterday.' Disgraceful.

4. The Rio Sacking Telling one of United's greatest ever centre-backs he wasn't getting a new contract IN THE ACTUAL DRESSING ROOM.

5. Selling our soul Do we really need to sponsor a fucking tractor in Japan? Argh. Stop. It's enough.

6. Summer 2015 Chasing Ramos and Neymar - oh, and Bale again - like a fucking schoolgirl. Neither came.

7. Saved by the Fax Machine Acting Phil Mitchell all summer, telling Madrid they couldn't have De Gea unless we got whoever else in return, only to transform into Ian Beale at the last minute. De Gea was going, but for Madrid's late fax.

8. Christmas 2015 The worst December in United's history. Not a single win. Every fucker knows Van Gaal simply does not get United and must go - but Woodward was clearly too scared for his own rep as the sacking CEO.

9. The Head of Academy Farce After a belated, supposed year-long search to find the new head of United's youth academy, Nicky Butt gets appointed. The same Nicky Butt who was there all along.

10. Jose, Jose, Jose If you're going to appoint Jose Mourinho, fine. But the level of speculation has been endemic - a Mourinho trait - so why not tell him to calm the fuck down out of respect for Van Gaal and his players?

11. The Special Cunt But if you're going to appoint Jose Mourinho, then you really don't get Manchester United.

12. The Griezmann excuse Ok, we had Griezmann in the bag. He decides to stay at Atleti at the last minute, and our public excuse is that we cooled interest cos replacing Ibra is a higher priority. Nah, mate, no-one's buying it.

13. The 25% Summer 2017. Jose wanted four. Ed got three. Whatever way you smoke it, Ed failed.